Murmansk Woman Shares Her Abortion Story: 'I Don't Regret a Second'

In Russia, the topic of abortion is still surrounded by silence, condemnation, and a strong taboo. Many women are afraid to talk about it even with close ones — due to fear of being judged, misunderstood, or accused of «sin» and «selfishness». For many years, Murmansk woman Olga (name changed — Ed.) remained silent. And now — she has told how it all was. Next — a first-person account.

No Help from the Husband

I never wrote about this anywhere, didn«t really tell anyone. Because — well, what is there to tell? Back then, it seemed like a disgrace to me. Now — just a fact. Back then, it saved my life.

We lived modestly. A one-room apartment, a Khrushchyovka building, a gray bathtub, something always leaking. I had a husband, but what good was he — he didn«t work properly, was always in headphones at home, got irritated, constantly dissatisfied. Our child was two years old. Still little, I was essentially alone with him. Mortgage, loans, kindergarten, shift work — everything was on me.

I didn«t sleep properly, didn»t eat, my hair was falling out, my legs ached. In the morning on autopilot: got up, took my son to kindergarten, to the minibus, then to work, back in the evening — and everywhere I dragged bags, thoughts about how to make it to payday, how to save for repairs, just hoping no one got sick.

My husband could say: «Why are you freaking out,» and go to sleep. And I did the laundry, cooked, cleaned, put the child to bed. I was so tired that I didn«t feel myself at all. And then — the test. Two lines.

There Was Emptiness Inside

I remember, I just sat on the toilet lid and had a hysterical fit, and after — just emptiness. I was already — up to my neck. And now another one.

At first, I just carried it in my head. Silently. Thought — maybe it would resolve itself somehow. Then I told him. He said: well, I don«t know, give birth if you want.

— I wanted to hit him. I wanted someone to just tell me that I didn«t have to be a heroine. That I wasn»t obligated to carry everything.

I grew up in an ordinary family. No religion, nothing like that. But still, somewhere in the back of my mind, it sat: if you got pregnant — give birth. Everything else — is what «bad girls» do. And in my head, there was a real struggle. That I«m a mother. That it»s not allowed. That I«m letting someone down. Though who — it»s unclear.

Then at night, I couldn«t take it anymore. Sat in the kitchen, googled: what to do at all. How it goes. Where it»s done. Started reading real stories — and that«s when it eased. Turned out, I»m not alone at all.

Sometimes Abortion Is the Only Way Out

I made an appointment at a private clinic. Without my husband. Told him: I«ve decided, I can»t. He shrugged: do whatever you want. That«s it. That was his entire contribution to the situation.

The term was early, they offered me a medication abortion. It«s pills. One is taken at the clinic, the other — after 24 hours at home.

I did everything as they said. Nothing terrible happened. It was painful, like heavy periods, my stomach cramped, bled a lot. Lay at home, son in kindergarten. Pills, heating pad, tea. Put the phone aside, just lay there. Then it got easier. The next day, I went to work.

Psychologically — hard, yes. You«ve made the decision, but still there»s some foolish feeling. Guilt, fear, shame. But it«s not because you did something bad. But because we»re taught that. That a woman always has to, that otherwise you«re selfish.

But in reality — I just chose myself. And my son. Because if I had given birth then — I don«t know where we»d be now. I wouldn«t have coped.

«I Didn»t Regret It«

Now I«m 28. I»m not with that husband. I have a normal job, my own rhythm, my son has grown up — he«s seven. I»m alive, calm, don«t snap, don»t cry in the bathtub at night. I have a normal relationship. Not perfect, but healthy. We«re thinking about a child. Only now — out of love, by agreement, by desire. And not because »it just happened«. Honestly? I haven»t regretted my decision for a single second.

I«m not promoting abortions. I»m not saying that«s how it should be. Just sometimes it»s the only way out. Back then, at 23, I really saved my life. And my son«s — because now he has a mom who doesn»t yell or collapse from exhaustion, but laughs, walks with him, helps with homework.

So if you«re reading this and thinking: »I can«t cope,» — know, you«re not alone. And you have the right. Just to choose yourself. Even if no one understands it.