'Second Mom': The Story of a Factory Worker Who Took Paternity Leave
In recent years, husbands have been taking on childcare duties instead of their wives more often. This practice is not very widespread in Russia, and for many, stay-at-home dads seem like people who have done something unusual.
Andrey and Alena Titov from the Semibratovo settlement in the Rostov district of the Yaroslavl region had this experience of raising children; the couple is raising restless twin girls, Ulyana and Vasilisa. We published the family«s story three years ago. During these January holidays, we invite you to remember it.
Dad on Parental Leave
It«s noisy this evening in a small apartment in one of the houses in Semibratovo. Two restless twin sisters—Ulyana and Vasilisa—are sharing something in a sisterly fashion on a large beige sofa.
«Ulyana, get down from there,» says their dad, Andrey, in a calm tone, looking up from his reading. A stoutly built man with short hair and silvering stubble looks stern and even brutish. But his eyes sparkle mischievously as he watches his daughters from under his brow.
Andrey Titov works as a fitter for a contracting organization at one of the Yaroslavl factories. Eight years ago, he took parental leave to care for the twins while their mom focused on her own confectionery business. All these years, Alena has looked at her husband with love and states: «My husband is pure gold.»
«My Work Is Also My Child»
The Titovs have an older daughter; they were preparing for a second pregnancy, though they weren«t expecting twins. The news shocked them both.
«We have an older daughter. We thought the second one would be a boy. And when we found out it was twins, and girls at that, we were surprised, of course,» recalls Alena with a smile, resting her head on Andrey«s shoulder.
«Yeah, it was God giving us a hint,» jokes Andrey. «»Here«s a daughter for you, and here»s another one, so there«s no doubt.»«
While in most families there«s no question about who will take parental leave, the situation was different for the Titovs. Alena had been developing her confectionery business for six years, investing a lot of money and effort into it. She had built up a reputation over that time. Taking parental leave for more than a year meant losing clients. Putting the business on pause was almost the same as losing it.
«It was more for practical reasons. I work officially. Whether I work or I»m on leave—the money would have been the same. And it would have been hard for my wife to handle two, physically too. I made a decisive choice to take care of the children. It turned out that we spent more time together at home and didn«t lose much money. It was a pragmatic calculation,» says Andrey. «Plus, so much had been invested in promoting my wife»s business: effort, money, time.«
Andrey noted that his wife didn«t work every day, so they raised the little girls together.
«I couldn»t abandon my clients,« Alena nods affirmatively. »Even when I went to give birth, I delivered cupcakes first. My work is also my child. So we decided that I would work a bit and stay home with the kids.«
«They Should Erect a Monument to You»
After the birth, Andrey stayed home with the girls. Now he says—he was mentally prepared for it.
«I have this outlook on life: »Who, if not me?« You just need to do it, that»s all. There«s no escaping it. People somehow manage with a much larger number of children. I was confident in myself. I get along fine with kids. A long, long time ago, we took a test that showed I»d be suited for work as a teacher in a school or in a juvenile detention center. So, places related to upbringing, where you need to talk, persuade, communicate. They told me it was my calling,« recalls Andrey.
Andrey«s colleagues were surprised when they learned he was taking leave to care for the children. In a male work environment, such experience was a novelty.
«Maybe they looked at me like I was a fool, I don»t know,« Andrey laughed. »For them, it was something new. I don«t know of any cases where a guy stayed on parental leave either. In my circle, I»m the first. The guys were surprised. They respect me quite a bit at work, like: I said I«d do it, and I did. But when I returned to work after leave, they said they should really erect a monument to me. Like: »How did you manage there? I can sit with a child for an hour and a half, and I«m already going crazy.» They couldn«t imagine how I stayed home with two for all that time.»
Andrey thinks managing two isn«t that hard.
«You cook just once anyway, to feed both. When they became more conscious and started watching each other, it became easier to manage them. For example, one starts eating, and you say: »Look, she«s eating, and you»re not.« Having two even simplifies some parenting aspects. With one, you»d have to entertain them by jumping through hoops, cartoons or no cartoons. Here, one does something, and the second starts. In that sense, it was easier. The main thing is to start. After that, it went more or less smoothly. There weren«t any particular difficulties,» Andrey reflects.
However, the father of many children warns—parents need to stock up on patience.
«You just need to take a deep breath. And who else will do it? I mean, who will do it instead of you if you can»t cope? The hardest part is when children get sick. They cry, get fussy. You don«t know how to help them, you don»t understand. And when there are two, for us, they either get sick simultaneously or one after the other. Their teeth, for example, were cutting at the same time. You just have to get through it,« advises Andrey.
«Moms Were Envious»
The fitter was on parental leave for almost two years. After the girls were accepted into nursery school, their dad returned to work. He admits he dreamed of returning to his profession.
«I wanted to go back to work. But not because it was hard with the kids. More because with kids, you limit yourself, you don»t belong to yourself.
Let«s say, I couldn»t go fishing. I had to limit myself in that. I could do side things, visit my mom, grandma, distract myself. Read a book. And returning to work was long-awaited for me; they were happy to see me there. While I was with the girls, I called, talked with colleagues and friends, though of course less than before. But I wasn«t holed up at home in front of the TV. It»s no big deal. It had to end sometime, and it did,« recalls Andrey.
Many moms confessed to Alena that they would like the same decision from their husbands. Andrey himself didn«t have time for conversations on playgrounds.
«Usually, you sit on a bench at the playground and do something with the girls. I had nothing to talk about with other moms, for the most part. But I guess they would have been happy if their husbands helped them instead of fixing the car in the garage or celebrating something with the guys,» the father of many reflects.
Alena«s acquaintances admired Andrey»s decision to take on raising the girls. From friends to social media followers.
«Everyone told me my husband is a hero. A woman knows better than anyone what it»s like to be on parental leave. A woman goes crazy on leave, and here—a man. And to stay home for so long. He really is a hero.
And with twins at that. And girls at that. And everyone was envious of me and said a monument should be erected to Andryushka while he«s still alive,» said Alena.
The confectioner herself didn«t take leave after the birth of her older daughter either. When the couple learned of the first pregnancy, Andrey and Alena were just getting on their feet. Both had to work a lot then to support the family. Her parents helped look after the baby.
«I was on leave for a while then, and then I went back to work,» recalls Alena. «I don»t even remember the postpartum period. I was very young, needed to get back in the game quickly.«
The couple considers the experience with paternal leave a success.
«Back then, there wasn»t such social support. I mean, no money was paid, there was nothing. Now there«s maternity capital and child benefits. Our parents helped. Our second ones get everything you can possibly give,» recalls Andrey. «My wife took orders and went back to work two weeks after giving birth. After about a month and a half, she went back full-time. Worked day and night.»
«But not always, I had days off—sometimes. You still have to work, there»s no way around it. They are my little dolls, they need to be dressed beautifully,« Alena looked lovingly at her playing daughters. »This pregnancy happened when we were already firmly on our feet. Everything was conscious. Though we weren«t ready for twins. We thought it would be a boy. But it turned out like this, and for now we»re not risking going for a third. Although I really want to, Andrey said no.«
«Yes, I think it»s enough,« smiles Andrey.
And if it does happen, would you go on parental leave a second time?
«It wouldn»t be a burden for me. We«ll look at the situation, both financial and practical. For example, with two children, it would be hard for my wife. I mean, if I carried them up the stairs—tucked under my arm and went, she couldn»t do that. We live on the fifth floor, so it would be quite hard. With one, it would be easier. If it happens, we«ll see,» reflects Andrey.
«Dad Is the Authority»
Switching traditional social roles in the first years of their daughters« lives formed a strong bond between father and children. The parents see only a plus in this.
«I knew there would be this bond between them that I probably always dreamed of for a daughter and father. I had the feeling that I wasn»t the one who gave birth, he was. Andrey was present at the birth too. He is the second mom,« smiles Alena.
«Mada,» adds Andrey.
«There wasn»t any jealousy. For them, dad is the authority. They obey him unquestioningly.«
However, the first word for both girls was «mama.»
«Dad was somewhere close by,» recalls Andrey. «And mom was like something big, bright. It would come someday, and happiness would arrive. Mom was like the final authority for them—she came home, and everything brightened. In some everyday matters, dad is closer, of course. Wiping bottoms, feeding—dad is irreplaceable there.»
However, feminine issues started to appear as the girls grew up. For example, rough male hands turned out not to be made for braiding hair.
«I can»t braid hair, my fingers just can«t get the hang of it,» Andrey demonstrates his large palm. «I can do ponytails. I learned that. But braids just don»t work for me, didn«t work, and I won»t even try.«
He didn«t have to play »girly« games either. The daughters played with each other, and Andrey only supervised the process when it came to squabbles.
«My participation was from the sidelines. To supervise, help, guide. So they wouldn»t pour sand on each other in the sandbox, for example,« said Andrey. »That«s the plus of twins—parents don»t have to jump around like rabbits and directly participate in children«s games. I think for an adult, children»s games are hard if it«s day after day. Here they just close themselves in a room and do something.»
«If I Were Impulsive, I Couldn»t Have Done It«
According to Andrey, each couple needs to decide for themselves who will take parental leave—the husband or wife.
«It all depends on the person. I mean, if I were impulsive, I couldn»t have done it. But I«m calm by nature, and we are adults. It»s like in the Airborne Forces—no one but us. It«s the same here. If you said »A,« say »B.« You just have to accept it. I won»t say it«s not difficult. It is difficult, physically too, especially with two. Sometimes you sleep two hours a night. It»s hard on the body anyway. But there«s nothing fatal. It might be harder for women because of postpartum depression. That all adds up, and so it feels much heavier. For me, it was like switching to another job. Preschool teachers work with kids, and they have like 20 of them. And they manage,» reflects Andrey.
The father of many advises couples who have recently had a child to listen to each other. According to him, this can help avoid everyday problems.
«Probably, you need to show fewer negative emotions, because it»s hard for everyone. Of course, someone gets tired at work, someone—at home. A person might not cope due to financial problems, psychological ones. You just need to calm down, accept that it«s temporary. A month, two, three will pass—and it will get easier. And the wife»s mood will improve, and work will be easier. Everything changes, everything gets resolved. There«s nothing terrible. You need to help each other,» believes Andrey.
Alena agrees with her husband—in a family with a small child, everyone needs support.
«If a woman»s husband is on parental leave, appreciate him. Not every man will stay with children. With one, two, three—doesn«t matter. I was lucky because my husband is calm as a boa constrictor. He doesn»t drink, doesn«t smoke. And to women, I wish patience. It doesn»t matter if a woman or a man is with the children. All of you, stock up on patience together. Because you need to get through this period. It is, of course, wonderful. Those first steps, teeth, it«s all very cool. But it»s also stressful. Because everyone gets tired—both the one who works and the one on leave. Misunderstandings start then. For the one on leave, every day turns into Groundhog Day—kids, kids, kids, kids. I work, run a blog, do events—life is bustling, but for him, it seemed to have stopped. And this different level was felt. So, I think there was some tension,« recalls Alena. »And I can«t step away from being in the public eye either—I would simply lose all my clients.»
And did you feel this tension?
«It»s not about tension, but about a person«s value system changing during that period of life. Later, it will even out—parental leave will end, you»ll return to work, and everyone will be on equal footing. I won«t say you have to resign yourself, but both should understand that being on leave isn»t very easy. And you don«t need to coddle or pretend to be involved. But to participate—that»s essential.«
According to Andrey, for her in the moment it was important to go to some event, meet someone, while he had other values.
«The other person should see that you didn»t just walk by and fall asleep. Of course, someone might be tired after work, but to ask if everything is okay—that«s already enough to converge in some value system at that moment. The one on leave—has the children; the one working—has the responsibility of earning for the family. You just need to meet over the children. Then there will be a common ground, and that won»t let a conflict flare up. Everyone should understand that the load and responsibility are shared,« he added.
Recall that we told the story of a mother who gave birth to triplets. She discussed upbringing, school expenses, and the laments of passersby in an exclusive interview.
