Younger Sister Feels Like Shadow of Sibling

A new heroine of the Nakipelo column is a younger sister who still cannot shake the feeling that she is not living her own life, but merely copying someone else«s. She spoke about the dresses she had to wear as hand-me-downs, the tattoos and piercings that never happened, and why she still feels like the »keeper of the hearth.«

«It Can Still Be Worn»

My main pain is personal belongings, or rather, the lack of them. As a child it seemed normal: I got her clothes, toys, even a backpack for school. «It can still be worn,» Mom would say, taking a dress out of the closet.

I still dislike being told, «Take it, your sister wore it.» I feel like not a person, but an extension of someone else«s life. As if I have no right to my own things, only to what was left after her.

«She Left, but You Stayed»

When my sister left to study in another city, I thought: finally I can breathe freely. But the opposite happened: all my parents« attention, all their hopes and dreams, quietly moved to me. She left to live, and I stayed to be good.

— Now you must be an example, — Mom said. — Your sister left, and you stayed. You are now the keeper of the hearth.

I remember coming home from school one day. It was an ordinary Tuesday, I was tired, I just wanted to eat and go to sleep. Mom asked: «Why didn»t you call? Your sister always calls when she«s late.» This happened constantly. If I came home late — «Your sister always came home on time.» If I didn«t clean up — »Your sister always cleaned up after herself.« If I didn»t call — «Your sister always calls.»

I am not a person, but a replacement, a copy of her.

«You»re Still Little, You«re Not Allowed»

The most infuriating thing is that I can«t do what I want. My sister got a tattoo at 19. My parents scolded her but said: »She«s an adult, let her decide for herself.» I want to get a piercing at 20 — «Are you crazy? You»re still little, you«re not allowed.»

I still can«t do what I want because »you«re the younger one, you have to be our little ray of sunshine.»

Another pain is that all my parents« dreams are now on me. Now I have to be an excellent student, I have to get into a state-funded program, I have to find a good job. I have to, always and in everything.

«Your sister managed, so why can»t you?« — that phrase haunted me throughout school. I remember bringing home a B in math once. Mom looked at the grade and said: »But your sister always got A«s.»

I don«t want to be like my sister. I have my own goals, my own interests. But for my parents I will always be the »younger one,« who has to catch up.

«You Now Have to Take Care of Your Parents»

When my sister left, another duty fell on me — taking care of our parents. «You»re home,« they say. »Your sister is far away, but you have to be nearby. Who besides you will bring us a glass of water in our old age?«

I remember when Mom got sick once. I sat with her all day, made soup, bought medicine. My sister called in the evening, asked: «How»s Mom?« — and that was it. And Mom immediately perked up, chattered with her on the phone, said she missed her terribly and that »only her call saves me from illness.« And I, apparently, am a caretaker or a free nurse, and my help apparently doesn»t make things easier. I have no right to my own life, I just have to be nearby.

I don«t want my future children to feel worse than others just because they are younger. I don»t want them to be forced to be «keepers of the hearth.» I don«t want them to be compared to someone else.

If only everyone could live their own life, and not be a shadow of the older sibling.

Earlier we published the older sister«s Nakipelo story, in which she told how she still cannot get rid of her guilt, how she had to mask »beatings« and hide things.