Sexologist on Dark Side of Dating Apps: A Marketplace, Not Love

We swipe for hours, chat, get disappointed, delete the app, repeat. Is this vicious circle familiar? Dating apps have long been part of everyday life, but instead of long-awaited love, they bring anxiety, burnout, and a feeling of an endless showcase with potential partners.

72.RU spoke with systemic family psychotherapist and sexologist Elvira Sokolova about why in the era of endless profiles it«s getting harder to meet the right one, why dating turns into an addiction, and why free-form relationships traumatize the psyche.

Marketplace of Partners, or the Paradox of Choice

— Why, with a huge choice of people in dating apps, is it still difficult for many to find a suitable partner? What is psychologically wrong here?

— In the situation of a huge choice in dating apps, a psychological paradox of choice arises. Its essence is that the more options, the harder it is to stop. The brain starts looking for an ideal, and any person seems «not the one.»

Swiping creates an illusion of an endless market, reduces tolerance, and усиливает fear of intimacy. In the end, instead of the opportunity to form a real emotional attachment, an endless search for someone even better arises, and relationships never begin.

— Is it true that in apps, people start treating each other like things: swiped, changed their mind, deleted? Where does this alienation come from?

— Unfortunately, yes, in apps, people begin to perceive each other as a commodity on a shelf, a thing, an object. The swiping format turns living people into a set of pictures and short descriptions. This leads to the brain quickly getting used to the idea of replaceability: if you don«t like this one — swipe further and look at the next.

Such a format creates distance, reduces empathy, and leads to alienation. Alienation arises as a reaction to the lack of live contact, emotional feedback, and the feeling that the choice is endless, which means investing in contact is unnecessary.

— Why do many develop a fear of missing out on someone better, and what does this threaten for real relationships?

— We talked about the illusion of endless choice in dating apps. So, because of this illusion, a fear of missing out on someone better arises. After all, the brain gets used to there always being a next option and starts perceiving relationships as a deal that can be optimized. This усиливает anxiety, increases comparison, and leads to distrust of one«s own feelings.

For real relationships, this threatens that the psyche fixates on searching for an ideal, not on forming a real emotional connection. In the end, in relationships, this leads to instability: a person avoids investing, gets disappointed faster, keeps distance, remains emotionally unavailable, as by emotionally involving oneself in one, they fear closing the door on a hypothetically better partner.

Disposable Meetings and Friends with Benefits

— In apps, people immediately indicate what format of relationship they are looking for. Today FWB and ONS have become almost the norm. Does this really reflect changes in relationship culture, or is it more an attempt to avoid commitments?

— Indicating relationship formats like FWB (friends with benefits) and ONS (one-night stands) reflects both cultural changes and psychological avoidance mechanisms. On one hand, modern culture allows for different forms of connection, and sexuality is discussed more openly.

— I«ve seen that some psychologists say such connections cause unhealthy attachments. What is meant by that?

— One can speak of unhealthy attachment in these relationship formats when one person gets emotionally involved, and the other remains at a distance. And here something unpleasant happens: expectations and reality do not match. That is, one emotionally engages more and expects the same from the other. And this doesn«t happen. And here feelings of anxiety, jealousy, and resentment appear. In the end, the connection brings not joy but emotional tension and psychological discomfort.

— Why in FWB relationships does one person almost always fall in love, and the other — not? Is this inevitable?

— Because emotional and physical contact trigger attachment hormones. At the same time, the second participant remains at a distance, not attaching, protecting themselves from emotional involvement.

This doesn«t always happen, but the probability is high. The thing is, the brain reacts to intimacy more strongly than we realize, and if one seeks more than just a connection for sex, then imbalance and the risk of emotional pain appear.

— What exactly can such formats be emotionally dangerous for?

— FWB and ONS are dangerous because they create a imbalance between emotional involvement and expectations. That is, initially, the formats are not about emotional involvement but about satisfying the need for sex. And in the end, it turns out that one person starts to feel attachment, and the other follows the format and keeps distance. This leads to anxiety, jealousy, feelings of abandonment, and lowered self-esteem.

Emotional fixation on a partner who doesn«t intend to give a stable connection occurs. This, in turn, forms dependency and emotional exhaustion. Here, there is often no room for support and satisfying the need for emotional closeness, which are brought by classic romantic relationships with mutual emotional involvement.

— Who might FWB and ONS be suitable for? What conditions should be in place so that this doesn«t destroy the psyche?

— FWB and ONS can be suitable for people who clearly know their boundaries and can separate sex from feelings. It«s important to honestly discuss expectations upfront, not hope for more, and respect each other. Without these conditions, jealousy, resentment, and anxiety easily arise. If both understand the rules and are emotionally ready for a free connection, such a format can be safe and not destroy the psyche.

Awareness and Boundaries

— Is there a difference in how men and women experience such relationships? Or does gender not play a role at all?

— Gender partly influences but doesn«t decide everything. Often, women get emotionally involved, attach more strongly, and men can more easily separate sex from feelings. But the key factor is still personality, not gender, experience, and readiness for a free connection. Some men also attach strongly, and women calmly perceive FWB. The main thing is to be aware of your emotions, be honest with yourself, and honestly discuss expectations to avoid pain and misunderstanding.

— How to exit such relationships if you«ve become emotionally hooked?

— First of all, it«s important to acknowledge your feelings. This might sound like: »Yes, I«ve become attached to this person, even though it wasn»t planned. I«m in pain, sad, I»m angry.« It»s important to name and experience the whole spectrum of feelings (cry, grieve, shout, etc.).

Secondly, it«s worth building boundaries. Reduce or cease meetings and correspondence. And thirdly, focus on yourself. Engage in hobbies, communication with friends, work on self-esteem and a sense of your own value.

Match as a Microtrauma

— How does daily use of apps affect self-esteem and self-perception?

— Oh, it«s all complicated here. Daily sessions in dating apps form a dependency on external evaluation: likes boost self-esteem, their absence, on the contrary, lowers it. Constant comparison of oneself with others occurs. This вызывает a feeling of inadequacy in the user.

And here the most harmful thing happens: they begin to determine their value by the reaction of strangers, which leads to increased anxiety. This, in turn, leads to the fact that over time, self-image becomes distorted, and confidence diminishes.

— What can a large number of rejections lead to?

— Constant rejections, ignoring, criticism in correspondence lead to emotional burnout. The brain perceives this as frequent microtraumas. This leads to a drop in motivation, fatigue, apathy, cynicism appear. A person becomes less involved, loses interest in dating, starts expecting rejection in advance. A feeling of «there»s something wrong with me« appears, energy and desire to communicate decrease. And already any new matches cause tension rather than joy.

— Is there a healthy behavior strategy in dating apps so that it doesn«t turn into an endless marketplace of people?

— Yes, there is. I выделяю four main steps in such a strategy. Step 1: limit time in the app. Less swiping — less brain overload from comparisons. Step 2: focus on quality, not quantity. I recommend reading profiles carefully and choosing consciously, in accordance with your values. Step 3: transition to live contact faster. This is important because a real meeting reduces the illusion of replaceability. Step 4: monitor your state. If fatigue or burnout appears, then обязательно take a break from app sessions.

— How to understand when it«s time to delete the app because it has become a toxic experience? And why does it often happen that people delete it, and after a while return again to browse profiles? As if some kind of addiction.

— It«s time to delete the app when it causes more anxiety and fatigue than pleasure. If you catch yourself on mechanical swiping, lowered self-esteem, a feeling that everyone is the same, emotional exhaustion after communication, then it»s worth saying goodbye to the app.

Fear and Loathing in Dating

— There is an opinion that people have become afraid of serious relationships. Is this true or a myth? Why does this happen?

— It«s true. Many fear serious relationships due to fear of losing freedom, increased responsibility, and control over life from a partner. Also, fear of serious relationships is provoked by past experience of disappointment, betrayal, emotional trauma. Past experience усиливает anxiety and distrust of others in the present.

The thing is, close relationships require emotional vulnerability, and people are afraid to open up completely, they are scared to experience strong feelings and depend on a partner«s reaction. When you start thinking about relationships, the uncertainty of the future and possible conflicts seem frightening. Therefore, some people avoid relationships and choose either superficial connections or simply distance themselves to avoid pain, changes, and the necessity of mature emotional contact and investment in relationships.

— Why has emotional closeness become a tense topic for many, and how do social networks, constant evaluation, comparison with others affect this?

— The thing is, today people live in constant comparison of their lives with what is shown on social networks. We see others« ideal relationships and start doubting our own value. This makes heart closeness risky. After all, it presupposes openness, honesty, vulnerability in contact. And this means having to show weaknesses. And the truth is, many are afraid of not being good enough.

This leads to the fact that in the end, instead of trust and warmth in relationships, anxiety appears, an attempt to control one«s emotions and — ultimately — avoidance of close relationships.

— Recipes for family happiness from the past no longer work, our parents« experience is very different. Why does this happen?

— Today, there are indeed some innovations in the topic of building healthy relationships. Previously, when building relationships, attention was paid to their durability and formal realization of roles, where the man is the breadwinner, the woman is the keeper of the hearth, the educator of children. Here, there was no focus on emotions and personal boundaries.

New rules for healthy relationships reflect changes in culture and psychology. This is honesty and open communication, when partners discuss feelings, desires, and boundaries directly, without hidden expectations. Also emotional autonomy, that is, each preserves personal space and interests, not losing themselves in the partner. Also equality and consent — decisions are made together, considering each person«s interests.

Besides this, flexibility and adaptation. Partners acknowledge that needs change and are able to discuss changes. Valued is focus on the quality of relationships, not on their formal existence. Important is the depth of connection and respect, not just the status of the relationship or following social norms.

— How can a person figure out what they really need: light connections, free relationships, or a classic monogamous format?

— It«s important to first honestly listen to yourself. Ask: what do you want in an emotional key — closeness, security, passion, or freedom?

Assess how you react to attachment: do you easily immerse yourself in a partner, are you afraid of commitments, how do you handle separation? You can experiment safely for yourself, observing and noting your feelings, anxiety, satisfaction. I recommend keeping an emotion diary, discussing expectations with partners, and honestly recording what brings joy and what — stress. This will allow you to gradually see your comfortable relationship format. The main thing — don«t rush and be honest with yourself.