Funeral agent mothers five children, converses with deceased

The hall is filled with heavy silence. All around stand grave crosses, bunches of artificial flowers, and already assembled wreaths with mourning ribbons reading «To My Beloved Mother» and «Farewell, Dear Friend». In the center of the room are several tables. And behind them sit people who help Tyumen residents send off their loved ones on their final journey.

But among these funeral agents, there is one employee who stands out from the rest. She is a smiling, slender brunette who periodically breaks the silence with her arrival, bursting into the room with a stroller and a baby. She holds someone else«s funeral paperwork in her hands and unzips the baby»s onesie, while simultaneously resolving issues with the release of a body from the morgue. Then she calmly picks up the baby, sits him at the table, and turns on cartoons for him while she continues preparing for the farewell ceremony.

Yesenia Bulikh is not just a funeral agent. She is a mother of many children who has not taken maternity leave. For about half of that time, she has been combining the upbringing of five children with work in a funeral home. Yesenia admits that the children are growing up calmly among coffins. And she herself has become a master of multitasking: she can practically simultaneously organize both children«s birthdays and lavish funerals. But how did she get into the funeral business? What does she love about the work? And why does she dream of becoming a death doula?

— I«ve worked in all sorts of jobs. I»ve had five maternity leaves in my life, so I had to try different things. I«ve been a store manager. And I even did permanent makeup. In the end, all that faded away and I ended up in the funeral business, — says Yesenia.

Why a Mother of Many Children Decided to Work in Funeral Services

A funeral agent is a person who completely takes on the organization of others« funerals. Moreover, from the very first troubles, when the body needs to be collected from the scene, to the ceremony of its burial. Often, the same people handle all these matters. And although many think that agents are leaked information about the deceased and that»s why they sometimes arrive faster than the relatives themselves, in reality, that«s not the case. Although, as Yesenia admits, she herself also thought that working in the funeral sphere was like getting involved with the mafia. But in practice, it turned out not to be so.

— I ended up here several years ago due to some very strange coincidence, when I was still on maternity leave with my fourth child. I was looking for work through various ads, but few employers wanted to deal with a woman who had so many children, especially if the youngest was of kindergarten age. I came across a vacancy in a funeral home, and they accepted me. And what surprised me then, they even said: «Children are good».

Yesenia didn«t even believe at first that she was hired as an agent so easily. And the day after the interview, they decided to test her resilience right away — and sent her to a real funeral.

— I had just arrived, and they told me straight away to go to a funeral. And if I was okay with everything, I would stay to work; if I couldn«t handle it, then there was no need to waste my own and others» time. They took me and other newcomers into the farewell hall, but before the relatives of the deceased arrived. We watched how they prepared the room, helped with something. Overall, everything seemed «ok» to us, so we stayed, — she recalls.

Strangely enough, the topic of death sparked interest in her. Although various fears periodically surfaced.

— We are all attracted to the unknown, but at the same time, many people have a fear of death. Take, for example, my parents« generation — they can»t even say the word «coffin» out loud. I«ve always been a big skeptic. For some reason, I was very interested in how all this works from the inside. Few people even think about their own death and what comes after. You just live and live. And then suddenly — it»s the end. But, honestly, at first, I wasn«t afraid of funerals or the first corpse I saw. My generation remembers all those stories from the 1990s, when there were wars between funeral agencies. I came to my current employer with that same question, like, is it still like that? To which they laughed and said: «No, of course, calm down and work peacefully».

It so happened that at the same time, a series of tragedies occurred in her own family. First, her grandfather died, and then three other close people. Organizing their funerals fell on her shoulders.

— I realized that I«m not so scared to handle all this anymore, — she said and immediately decided to joke, apparently to lighten the mood. — You know, I generally have a love for organizational activities. I organize children»s parties really well, and I handle some things at school too. So this is within my capabilities.

She Talks to the Bodies of the Deceased

We saw with our own eyes what funeral agents do. The interview was interrupted for a farewell ceremony with a military man. We headed to the mourning hall.

A black Mercedes drove up to the entrance. This brought the body of the deceased. Several strong men took the coffin and carried it deep into the hall. Yesenia controlled everything and didn«t miss a thing.

She has only ten minutes to turn on the screen with photos of the deceased, set up his portrait, and prepare the music. She chose the song «Let«s For…» by the band Lyube, to, on one hand, emphasize the story of the deceased, and on the other — to drown out the conversations of people who might start whispering right during the ceremony.

The final touches — a funeral wreath and flowers in vases by the burgundy coffin. Another moment — and a military cap was already lying on the lid.

Everything must be perfect. This ceremony — the last chance to show respect to the deceased.

— Funerals are a whole culture, traditions, some different customs. Each family has their own. Starting from the global, like people having different faiths, to some individual characteristics, professional ones, as in cases with military personnel, where funerals are held with an honor guard, orchestra, and state flag. But there are also personal requests… Someone might ask to put something in the coffin, play some special music, or even just talk to the deceased. And we try to do everything. Well, as for talking, we sometimes do it without any requests, especially if a woman is lying before us. It happens almost automatically.

The most unusual thing she placed in a coffin — a banner with the inscription «Best Milkmaid». The relatives of the elderly woman decided to bury her items of pride along with her. There were cases when cosmetics, cigarettes, personal belongings, and even crossword puzzles were placed in graves with the deceased.

But Yesenia cares not only for the deceased. Another of her tasks is to prepare the relatives as much as possible for the ceremony. Therefore, in the mourning hall, there is always water and sedatives, in case someone feels unwell, and also handkerchiefs to wipe away tears.

At this farewell ceremony, there was a lot of grief: neither women nor men could hold back their emotions. Yesenia could only stand aside and not disturb people mourning their loved one.

Are Funeral Agents Leaked Information About the Deceased?

Afterward, we returned to the hall and continued the conversation.

— In general, a funeral agent is a person who completely takes on all the worries. The workday for me — already routine. Although, of course, it might seem otherwise to someone.

Yesenia said that her duties include not only organizing the ceremony with all that entails (choosing wreaths, crosses, and coffins) but also working with the body of the deceased.

— People often die either in the hospital or it happens somewhere at home, and in cases of unnatural death — on the street. And when a person dies in the hospital, the deceased is transported by funeral services. That is, it«s not the hospital that transports them, not the administration providing vehicles. But specifically agencies that have municipal contracts with medical institutions. So I also have so-called duties, when I»m just «on the phone».

She says that their organization collaborates with hospitals and often goes to the scenes of tragic incidents to collect bodies.

— Transporting the deceased, even if there are many relatives or the deceased was wealthy, doesn«t matter, everyone has the right to free transportation by a funeral service for body transport. A person has died, they call the police, they call an ambulance. They record the death. And the police call the free service. Funeral agents arrive on the scene. That»s how our duty is structured. I take requests all day.

According to her observations, the most dangerous season — summer. It is during this period that the most people die.

— Unfortunately, there is such a terrible statistic: in summer, there are very many accidents and suicides. Moreover, as soon as the first warmth begins, rivers thaw, the season of drownings immediately starts. Every year the same thing. People in the funeral sphere at some point develop a certain sense of humor, perhaps it«s a defense mechanism or something else, but we can»t walk around with mournful faces all day. And regarding seasonal deaths, we have our own internal joke: autumn is here — people have no time to die, too much to do. Surprisingly, in autumn, it«s as if we really have less work.

Sometimes on-duty funeral workers can receive more than a dozen calls. But not all of them are calls for corpses. Sometimes people are just interested in services. But there are also unusual calls.

— We not only organize funerals or transport bodies, but we also handle meeting cargo 200, exhumation issues. Once there was a case where a man called our service and tried to order us for himself. That is, he indicated that he wanted to commit suicide. And so I talked to him on the phone for almost my entire shift, I was so bewildered. I was scared, I«ll be honest. I didn»t have an address, nothing, only his phone number. In the end, we contacted the police, passed on all the information, and as far as I remember, they managed to save him then. It was an elderly man. He was handed over to relatives.

As for exhumation, it always happens within the framework of a criminal case or through the court in civil proceedings. Funeral workers carefully dig up the coffin and extract the remains from there for examination, for example. In civil proceedings — it«s more complicated. Yesenia recalled a case where a man tried to rebury his sister, who was buried in a grave for the unclaimed. This happened because they had no one else from their family except each other. The man went away for shift work, and when he returned six months later, he learned of the tragedy. The court did not allow exhumation.

The Most Terrifying Deaths

Going to the scene — one of the most difficult moments in a funeral agent«s work. Often, relatives of the deceased, out of ignorance of how this system works, behave aggressively, hindering them from performing their duties. And it happens that funeral specialists themselves become stunned by what they see there.

— We don«t have good calls, each one — a terrible tragedy. But personally, the hardest for me are calls for the death of children. Especially if they are the same age as my children. And since I have many of them, and their ages range from 8 months to 15 years, you understand, that»s practically all ages. One of my first calls, which made me tremble, was the death of small children. I don«t know the details, but it seems something was with their health. A woman»s twin granddaughters died. They were just the age of my twin children. Such a coincidence really frightened me.

Yesenia says that this call was shock therapy for her. She coped and realized that if she could endure this, she could remain in the profession.

— It«s always awful to go to child suicides. When elderly people die, it»s not perceived as acutely, because we all understand: death — it«s the logical end of life. But when it happens to children, it»s terrible. And I tell my children about such cases. I come straight home and say where I«ve been. Perhaps, knowledgeable psychologists would condemn me. But I, on the contrary, act from the opposite. I think it»s necessary to do so. I don«t know what was in the hearts of these deceased children, for what reason they decided to take this step. But I explain to mine that this is never a way out. Sometimes children try to punish their parents, to hurt them. But whether they succeeded in the end and what will happen after their action, they will never know anyway. It»s the end.

The children listen to these stories attentively, sometimes they worry, sometimes they ask questions.

Why She Became a Funeral Blogger

Yesenia shares cases from her professional activities in her Telegram channel. But not to scare or entertain, but to make people think.

— In my channel, I share personal family moments and tell stories from work. These are all real cases. They are all very instructive, in my opinion. And they make you look at your life, at your actions, at your deeds and reactions, at your problems from a different angle. And, perhaps, somehow show more that funerals and death — it«s not something forbidden, that you can»t talk about, as is customary with us, but it«s culture, and it»s inextricably linked with life, which in my channel also «flows abundantly».

Yesenia sees nothing shameful in the theme of her blog. She says that many of her colleagues run social media accounts where they share work secrets or talk about unusual cases. But some of her friends, upon learning about such content, immediately told the Tyumen woman that they would never subscribe to such a thing. But Yesenia doesn«t insist.

«It«s More About Life Than Death»

— Everything I see at work, all the tragedies of people, it«s more about life than death. About life and its values. That any life problems — are not problems. There»s no way out only from the coffin, as cliché as that sounds.

Yesenia admitted that she likes her work for the opportunity to help. She plans to continue developing in this sphere. The Tyumen woman is now studying to become a death doula.

— This is such a new direction, which is not yet typical for the Russian market, it«s more in demand abroad. This is a person who is like a vessel for emotions. You can tell them everything that you can»t tell your relatives. Sometimes for the dying — it might be a wish they would like. Very often, relatives don«t want to see their loved one in such a state. Very often, dying people themselves don»t want to show their condition, but at the same time, they want to talk to someone. And that«s why death doulas appear.

Such unusual specialists are taught how to conduct dialogues correctly, help the dying, and generally interact.

— I don«t know if anyone in Tyumen will need this or not, it»s unclear how it will go. But I have an internal request, I«m interested in it. I think that after maternity leave, I»ll even try to practice this on a volunteer basis.

Yesenia«s husband, when he learns about his wife»s new pursuits, is no longer surprised by anything. On the contrary, he even manages to joke. But their parents are not thrilled with their relative«s profession. They often even ask not to show photos from the workplace.

As for the children, their attitude toward their mother«s work is normal. They often come to the funeral home to help with the little brother or bring something from the things, but no one lets them into the actual farewell ceremonies. The unusual decorations in the form of coffins and wreaths don»t bother them at all.

By the way, we already wrote about the Bulikh family several years ago. Yesenia«s daughter became a professional makeup artist at age 10 and did makeup like Goar. And here»s how they participated together in a competition of a famous blogger and transformed (it«s astonishing!).