Psychologist answers when it's okay to have sex on a date

«So, which date do you usually...?» — this half-whisper can definitely be heard in any female gathering. Many women from Nizhny Novgorod often wonder which date is acceptable for having sex with a new partner for the first time. Some proudly declare: «Only after three months!» while others quietly confess: «On the first... and I (don»t) regret it.«

In the era of quick dating, the question of «when?» has become even more pressing. On one hand, there is freedom of choice and the right to bodily autonomy. On the other, there is the fear of making a mistake, appearing «too easy» or, conversely, «dragging it out» and losing the partner«s interest. Where is the line beyond which spontaneity stops being cute and caution becomes obsessive? Is there a »right« date for the first intimate experience? NN.RU decided to look into this with psychologist Rodion Chepalov.

The specialist is sure that there is simply no perfect moment for first sex or an exact amount of time that must be waited.

«Neither the »third date«, nor »a month of waiting«, nor any other numbers in and of themselves make a relationship stronger or more superficial. Sex is not a stage on the calendar, but a form of intimacy, and it is always embedded in a specific couple, with their pace, values, and expectations,» Chepalov believes.

At the same time, the psychologist is convinced that before the first intimacy, it«s important to get to know the partner, to have time to understand them outside of an erotic context. It»s important first and foremost to figure out how comfortable you are with the person not only physically, but psychologically: how you communicate, how you resolve disagreements, how you spend free time, whether your habits and views align, whether it«s pleasant to be silent together.

«If sex happens before a sense of psychological compatibility is formed, it can create an illusion of closeness. The body gets close quickly, hormones enhance the feeling of the contact»s significance, and then it turns out that in other areas — values, lifestyle, expectations — the people don«t match. Then the breakup is accompanied by feelings of being used, emptiness, disappointment,» the expert emphasizes.

At the same time, psychological closeness isn«t important for everyone. For example, in a format of free relationships, where sex isn»t burdened with expectations, the loss of contact isn«t perceived as traumatic. In such a case, early sex is acceptable. However, Chepalov emphasizes that in this regard, there are no right or wrong scenarios — there are different types of people and their different needs.

Speaking about the fear of «losing the partner»s interest if you wait too long,« the psychologist believes that in stable and mature relationships, interest is maintained not by the speed of transitioning to sex, but by genuine contact — interest in each other, sincerity, the ability to be oneself.

«If interest disappears only because there»s no sex yet, that«s an important signal about what kind of interest it was initially. In the end, the main guide is not the number of dates, but the internal feeling: »I feel safe, understood, and interested with this person, and I want this closeness right now.« Everything else is secondary,» the psychologist concluded.

And our colleagues from Tyumen at 72.RU spoke with systemic family psychotherapist and sexologist Elvira Sokolova about why in the era of endless profiles it«s becoming harder to meet »the one«, why dating turns into an addiction, and why free-form relationships can traumatize the psyche.