Recovering alcoholists navigate the 'longest and drinkiest' holiday period

Welcoming the New Year with a glass of champagne seems like a classic tradition for many. But there are also those for whom this picture no longer associates with joy. MSK1.RU spoke with Irina, who gave up alcohol seven years ago, and Nikolai, who has been sober for four years. They shared their stories and told us what it«s like to experience New Year»s among people who are drinking without touching alcohol themselves.

«My father had an agonizing death»

Both Irina and Nikolai first tried alcohol as children. Our interviewee, for example, had her first sip at age 14. That time she drank too much and, as she says, it ended in shame for her. At that time, her school reputation was worth a lot to her, as she had to study hard for a better future. Moreover, her father was suffering from alcoholism at the same time.

«I lived in a family, I saw alcohol use from an early age through my father. After my mother»s death, I studied very actively and intensely, as it was my chance to live a different life. So my first time drinking at 14 severely undermined my reputation at school. Almost the entire class saw me drunk on the street, along with some teachers. And I didn«t drink after that,» our heroine recounted. «In high school, we started allowing ourselves a little more, drinking on Fridays, sometimes Saturdays with friends. In the summer we drank a lot. Same at university.»

Irina«s father eventually died from the consequences of alcohol. He was sick for a long time, but even that didn»t deter the girl, who by then was suffering from addiction herself.

«My dad died from cirrhosis of the liver. He died slowly. He had a very agonizing death. He suffered for three years, constantly going for dialysis. Between sessions he would drink, wanting to leave life sooner, but nothing worked,» Irina said. «His passing coincided with my own longest, deepest binge. I simply had a very long binge, a three-year one. That»s why I didn«t participate in my father»s illness. I had spiraled down myself.«

Both of our heroes grew up watching their fathers drink. They grew up knowing that drinking is bad and how the habit ruins lives.

«My father drank fairly often. I saw him drunk, and I also thought I would never be like him. I was even somewhat ashamed of him, despised him at times, but in the end I wouldn»t say he was an alcoholic,« Nikolai stated. »I asked myself: is my father an alcoholic or not? Probably more of a drunkard, a binge drinker. And I«m probably more of an alcoholic.»

He connects his first alcoholic experience with an obsessive desire to «be like everyone else.» He felt like he was made from different stuff, and alcohol brought him closer to the group.

«A complete erasure of personality occurred»

Our heroes tried to quit many times. Irina, for example, went to clinics, sought help at a church. But, as she explains, her mind was clouded by illusions that there were worse cases, and that hers wasn«t so bad. It seemed like it wasn»t the end point and that she«d have time to quit later.

«It seemed normal to me to drink a couple of beers in the evening. Well, you have to unwind after work. Then 2 beers turned into 10,» Irina recalled. «I always drank to exhale or to boost my mood. If I was sad, to make it more cheerful. If I was cheerful, to make it even more cheerful. I was led by my mental state, that»s the powerlessness of a chronic alcoholic. If an ordinary person can say: I don«t want to drink today, I won»t. But for us, that thought sits in our heads.«

Irina recounted that her alcoholism destroyed her personality gradually. She lost her job, her loved ones, and her friends were replaced by other alcoholics. Her body also began to fail. And she had no desire to live.

«In that binge, I completely lost myself as a person, as a woman, as a family member, as a daughter, as a sister, as a worker — I lost everything. A complete erasure of personality occurred. Life was like Groundhog Day. I didn»t work, scrounged for change for the cheapest vodka,« the girl dove into the memory. »Then changes occurred in the endings of my nerve cells, so I couldn«t bathe anymore. There was only one constant desire — to die.»

As a result, she turned from a young woman into, however cruel it sounds, a homeless person. She begged on the streets for change. For a long time, she didn«t wash, and her front teeth fell out. The final point in Irina»s story with alcohol was the winter when she almost died from hypothermia.

«When I was walking with a cane in the winter at three in the morning in a snowstorm with another pocketful of change. I remember walking and crying. The dome of a church was glowing from the snow. I said into the air: »I don«t want to live like this anymore.» Literally a month later I was lying in a hospital, where they told me I was sick.«

«Human appearance was lost»

Nikolai said he didn«t realize he had a problem with alcohol. He was constantly on the verge of a scandal with loved ones or passersby. As if he was looking for a fight. As he admits himself, he needed to »fall« further.

Our hero repeatedly tried to end his alcoholism. He went to clinics, tried not to drink. But it all ended with another binge.

«By the time I was 30, I had my first stint in a drug treatment center, then a second one. I remember when I got out, after completing a 27-day rehab course, I came home already drunk. I didn»t really want to,« says Nikolai. »When I was finally alone, I probably only had my apartment left. And there were no loved ones left, practically all my friends had turned away.«

Just like with Irina, alcohol took from Nikolai his family, friends, and his human appearance. There was turmoil in his soul; he couldn«t not drink.

«This whole world irritates me, makes me angry. I hated it. I feel bad living in it. I»m not like everyone else. I can«t drink, I»m dying, but I can«t stop. That was probably a cry from the soul,» Nikolai recounted. «A voice inside me said the next step would be the cemetery.»

Nikolai only managed to stop in December 2021. Back then, his mother found him on the street in a binge. At first, she couldn«t recognize her son, and when she realized it was him, she was horrified.

«My mom accidentally came to visit me. I was already going outside to drink with an alcoholic. I was lying on a bench,» our hero shared. «She saw me in that state. My human appearance was simply lost. She didn»t recognize me. I was terrified. I understood I was really dying, that I wouldn«t survive this binge.»

His mother helped Nikolai, while Irina was pulled out by her brother. The first step towards sobriety begins with an admission: to oneself and to those around. Then doctors help.

«You can live with this disease, but you must not drink that first glass. Because it»s precisely what triggers that whole hellish mechanism inside.«

«I completely forgot how to live in this society»

Returning to a normal life after several years of use doesn«t come without difficulty. As Irina shared, she had to relearn basic things, for example, walking, reading, and writing. Physical and mental problems, while horrifying her, also forced her not to stop. The mere thought of returning to a binge terrified her.

«I had degraded to such a degree, I completely forgot how to live in this society. I drank and destroyed myself for so long and so persistently. Because when you don»t walk or wash for three years, you have to relearn how to wash, to eat,« Ira said. »I didn«t even drink water because it made me feel sick. All there was, was vodka, tree leaves, and candy.»

For Nikolai, the hardest thing was not returning to those people and memories that could drag him back into the abyss. He spent a whole year in a closed institution to beat the disease in its initial stages. Therefore, later on, one of his main problems became not just the craving for alcohol, but also socialization.

«More emotional memories, because I was drawn to my past. When I met my former drinking buddies in my old neighborhood, I was genuinely afraid of them. I was afraid they would drag me back, that there would be an offer, »Come on, let«s go with us,»« Nikolai recalled bitterly. »I«m standing at the checkout, I remember it like now, and there»s a familiar drinking buddy in front of me, buying stuff. I«m thinking, God, please let me buy all this quickly and leave so he doesn»t ask me anything.«

But a special place in their rehabilitation is held by Alcoholics Anonymous. Both Irina and Nikolai believe they received the main portion of support from them. Our heroes still visit clinics and drug treatment centers to talk with people struggling with addiction.

«Meeting the first sober New Year was scary»

The main motivation not to drink for our heroes is fear of the past. Because of this, the first sober New Year«s and other holidays long inspired anxiety. They were afraid they wouldn»t cope, so they preferred to stay in the company of Alcoholics Anonymous members.

«When I met my first sober New Year, I was so scared I didn»t want to go to my parents«. I found out that the anonymous guys celebrate New Year»s together, I was so happy. It«s sober guys with their families, the alcoholic»s family. And there were no fears, nothing,« shared Nikolai.

«The first two years were very scary, very hard. I was very lucky that we have these holiday meetings for newcomers and old-timers. I understood that if I sat at home alone, then most likely, at some point I wouldn»t be able to bear it and would go outside to drink with someone,« Ira said. »I have a job, I have everything, so why can«t I allow myself a glass? These thoughts happen. But I understand where that glass will lead me. To play with alcohol is to dig your own grave in advance.»

Now our heroes control themselves. They have completely changed their social circle and learned to exist in groups alongside drinking people.

Do I have problems with alcohol?

Our heroine Irina suggested an experiment to determine if you have problems with alcohol. It«s simple — give up drinking and observe your body»s reaction.

«Try not drinking for a month. If everything in your life starts getting better, if everything in your family becomes wonderful, you feel better every day, maybe you»re not an alcoholic,« Irina advised. »But if you stop drinking and you sit there, gritting your teeth, constantly snarling, you come home irritated all the time, everything makes you angry, then you have problems.«

Earlier, former member of the group SEREBRO Katya Kishchuk admitted for the first time that she struggled with alcohol addiction. In an interview, she told how she went through addiction.